• Is this for real?
Of course it is! It’s as real as the perils covered by our policies… Keep in mind, however, that claims are subject to verification and will be paid out at the rate of one dollar per year.
• Yeah but isn’t that like… forever?
Time is irrelevant to the immortal.
• Are there any qualifications?
There is no underwriting – which makes this a great gift! But you do need to have a sense of humor; without one the policy is void.
Anyone can get a policy and everyone is pre-approved. Health, wealth, or states of delusion are hardly a concern for those of us dealing with such extraordinary things in our everyday lives.
• Who can I list as a beneficiary?
Add anyone you want – friends, family, pets… We cover anyone – living, dead, or undead.
• Is this a real insurance company?
While we do hold valid certificates of authority in the spirit world, we do not hold any official license that mortals would traditionally recognize. Therefore, the short answer is “no”. The long answer is very boring, but you can rest assured our entity status in no way negates the validity of the contract, which we, of course, would still be happy to honor.
• So just who writes this stuff, anyway?
All of our policies are underwritten by The Paranormal Policies Insurance Company, a subsidiary of zanzaboonda enterprises. The actual author is, naturally, a ghost writer. So of course this means we must respect their privacy – we are sure you understand.
• Great! I’m sold. How do I get one?
Fantastic! Just visit our shop to place an order! We promise you won’t regret it. And you can feel good about yourself knowing that 100% of our proceeds go to orphaned and underprivileged gremlins.
• Can you make me a custom / umbrella / something-else-you-haven’t-thought-of policy?
Yes! We can create a custom policy for just about any being, creature or occasion that is not typically associated with the “normal world”. Custom policies are subject to additional underwriting and may take a few days to be approved by our CDU (Chartered Death Underwriter). Contact us with your inquiry.
• Sweet. Can I order more than one policy?
Of course! You may order as many as you like. As a bonus you might be able save on shipping charges and we may be able to offer discounts on multiple-policy orders, depending upon your level of malevolence.
• Hey, yeah… what about that shipping? How much does it cost?
Unless other arranges are made, standard shipping within the US is free of charge (and typically takes about 5-7 business earth days). Expedited shipping is also available for a fee. Any special requests, such as custom framing, etc., must be quoted on a case by case basis.
However, those who place orders from the spirit realm will receive their package by a delivery ghost free of charge.
• Can I pick up my orders in person?
Considering we ship from the spirit realm… no. (Did you not read the last question?)
• No, really. Where do you ship from?
Our current non-spiritual contact is located somewhere in North America.
• Do you ship worldwide?
In most cases, yes. You are welcome to place your order Contact us for more details.
• Do you charge any hidden fees?
No. We try to be pretty straightforward with our pricing.
• Okay. Well I have a birthday / holiday / anniversary coming up like… yesterday. Can you do expedited orders / shipping?
Of course! We paranormal folk are natural people-pleasers (carnivorous beings aside, of course). We cannot, however, bend time in the mortal world. But we will do our best to accommodate you as much as human limitations will allow. Contact us for more details.
• Will my order be exactly as shown?
Pretty much.
• No, I mean *exactly*.
Well there are always variables to consider. For example, the length of the name will change the layout of the policy and in some cases may require us to adjust the wording slightly.
And since the mortal realm is so fickle when it comes to supplies, we may need to make substitutions of like kind and quality.
If you choose shipping via dragon courier, your certificate may arrive singed and slightly smoke-damaged. Sorry about that.
• I like you. You are fun / charming / intelligent / witty / compassionate.
Yes… Thank you for noticing! We’re pretty fond of you as well. <3
• So… are there any restrictions?
Yes. We reserve the right to deny any order for any reason, which usually means any request that is in poor taste. This typically includes, but is not limited to, anything that insinuates discrimination, intolerance, or paranormalism (e.g., anti-paranormal political persons, policies, and practices).
• I want to become an affiliate/wholesaler/distributor!
Contact us with any relevant qualifications. Those with otherworldly creature experience and/or interplanetary shipping capabilities will be given first preference.
• Are you hiring?
Yes! Immortals of any species are welcome to apply (especially if you have wings and / or can perform magic). Contact us for more information.